Original article published in Prajavani
Translation:
Translation:
This is the twenty-first century. A time when women are flying to space. But it is difficult to believe how inhumanly
widows are treated by educated and
supposedly modern families even in this age.
It is a shameful matter. An incident that occurred a few days ago
inspired me to write this.
Sunita (name changed) has always been a smart person. She is
educated and progressive-minded. With
a loving husband and intelligent
children, her family was a happy one. But unfortunately, when she was around
forty, she lost her husband. She started
living by herself, along with her children, without anybody's support. With determination, she recovered quickly
from the shock of her loss. She sent her children abroad to study, and she
enabled them to become independent. Now
she is busy with her work and activities, and travels frequently. She leads a life that many people
admire.
Recently, there was a wedding in her family. I was surprised
and worried to see the usually ebullient Sunita sitting alone and quiet in the
wedding hall. When I asked what the
matter was, I found that she had been forbidden to go anywhere near the wedding
ceremonies. After all a widow's presence
is inauspicious isn't it?!
This isn't just Sunita's experiences. Several women have had experiences like this.
If we want to go into the reasons for these beliefs and
customs, we have to go a little into the past to consider the lifestyle
then. Back then, widow remarriage was
prohibited. Since chid marriage was also common back then, if a girl lost her
husband before or after she went to her husband's house, there was the fear
that some other man would be attracted to her.
So what was the solution? To ensure that nobody found her
attractive and bestowed unwanted attentions on her, a cruel custom
developed. They would try and disfigure
her. Her forehead, arms and neck would be made bare, and very often, her hair
would be shaved off too. They even went
so far as to lock her up inside the house.
The little girl, who should rightfully have been playing around, was
forced to give up all her wishes and desires, and dedicate her life to the
service of those around her. When there
were ceremonies like weddings, the child would see tinkling bangles and shining
gold all around. The innocent child, not
even aware of why she was being forbidden all this, would naturally look at the
jewellery and finery with eyes full of desire.
(Doesn't the very thought wring your heart?)
People who believed in the
concept of bad drishti (loosely
translated , the concept that somebody's look of longing and jealousy will cause
you harm.) would keep the child away from the new bride, with the fear that her
drishti will prove inauspicious to
the bride. Or it could also be that the
child was kept away from all this to spare her from longing and desire.
In case of women with children, they would have to stay in
their in-laws' place, or go back to their maternal homes after they lost their
husbands. She would have to experience
the helplessness of being completely dependent on somebody else. It was common to view her with derision. Some
people felt sorry for her, but there was nothing much they could do.
Things have changed now. A woman who has lost her husband
now retains her mental strength, goes out to work, earns, looks after the house
and brings up her children, and leads her own life. In case her work requires a degree, and she
is not educated, she even pursues further education. She sees that her children are settled in
their lives.
It is said that a husband and wife are like the two wheels
of a chariot. When one wheel goes missing, the wife becomes the other wheel and
carries the entire weight of the chariot.
She doesn't express whatever sorrows she is experiencing in her mind,
doesn't whine about why this happened to her, and makes sure that the lack of a
father doesn't affect her children, and she lives her life with
confidence. I've seen such women from
very close.
But she doesn't have a place in the weddings and ceremonies
of her own children. She doesn't have
the opportunity to sit down at the wedding and take part in the rituals - some
other couple will have to stand in for her.
Can anybody gauge the extent of her sorrow in such circumstances? Can't she, who has dealt with everything alone
all this while, participate in the rituals also alone? She has after all given so much of herself
for her children - will she ever wish misfortune upon them?
Even if a woman can sweep sorrow aside and lead life boldly,
society doesn't let her live in peace. People
don't invite her for arishina-kumkuma (haldi-kumkum- religious functions where
a major part of the ceremony is to offer turmeric and vermilion to married
women) In case they do invite her, they just skip her while offering vermillion
and flowers, and give it to women sitting right next to her. They just give her
coconut and blouse-piece, though!
Nobody
says anything if she wears other ornaments.
But she shouldn't wear vermillion. What kind of logic is this? Vermillion might be sacred - but what is it about
this red powder that these women cannot even touch it? When people visit, these women are not
supposed to offer vermillion to others with their hands. "There is kumkum in the pooja room,
please take it," they say. Or they
bring the bowl of kumkum, keep it down and say, "Please take it."
These women have already suffered a major blow in their
lives. So why does society insist on dealing
blow after blow on them even before they have recovered from the first? Society
makes them shrivel up. The same society
calls itself "developed" in all other aspects. Their attire, going to restaurants and
parties, and in their choice of music and language, they ape the west, and call
themselves modern. But in these
aspects, they are two centuries behind.
Nowadays, several women who have lost their husbands
continue to wear kumkum, toe-rings and the maangalya (mangalsutra) whereas
several married women choose not to wear these at all. So it is clear that kumkum, maangalya have
stopped being symbols of being married. So isn't it stupidity to blindly follow these
customs that have risen out of long-forgotten societal norms that hold
absolutely no meaning any longer?
One might say, "To each his own - let them follow
whatever they want." That might be
true. But think about it. Is it right
that you follow a belief or custom that is harmful or hurtful to other
people? If orthodox, traditional-minded
people follow these customs, you can't do anything. But it is saddening to see
the current generation behaving this way.
And one worries about how one can bring about a change in their
thinking.
In contrast, if a man loses his wife, he panics. He
approaches other womenfolk of his family to help him look after his
children. He employs someone to look
after the house, someone to cook for him.
His family himself starts looking to get him married again. Apart from
the sorrow of losing his wife, no other circumstances arise that will cause him
hurt or pain.
When you see all this, don't you feel that we ought to look
upon such women with admiration, they
who have taken on the burden of life alone, instead of treating them as lowly,
or viewing them with pity? It is not as
if she has committed a crime. So isn't
it ironic that she suffers from
society's ignorance and stupidity?
Is it fair? At least now, society
must not tag her with the "widow" term, and not treat her as anything
unusual, right?
Lastly, I'd like to narrate an incident that took place more
than forty years ago.
A close relative of ours had lost her husband. Once, she had
donated some money for a celebration at a Mutt. She went to the Mutt to attend
the pooja ceremony, where the Swamiji of the Mutt was distributing prasad to
all the devotees. When it was her turn to receive the prasad, one of the
disciples of the Swamiji noticed that she was a widow, and called her to one
side, using sounds like, "Shh, tch-tch," and tried to throw the prasad
into her hands without touching her.
Immediately, the lady spoke out aloud - "The money I
gave you is not mylige (very loose translation - dirty/untouchable) to you, but
I am mylige. How is that?" Then she told her son, "Come on child,
let's go. Who wants their
prasada?" And she walked out.
She wasn't pained or insulted. But the feeling in her was, "What kind
of people are these?" She was a
bold lady of those times. This story has
stayed in our family and is recounted often with pride.
It is good if society changes. But if it doesn't, then it is better if women
itself develop an "I don't care" attitude.
