ಏನಾದರೂ ಶುಭ ಸಮಾಚಾರ ಇದೆಯಾ?

ಪ್ರಜಾವಾಣಿಯ ಭೂಮಿಕಾ ಸಂಚಿಕೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ನನ್ನ ಲೇಖನ

ಅದರ ಇಂಗ್ಲಿಷ್ ಅನುವಾದ ಇಲ್ಲಿದೆ.

Any good news?

 - Brinda N Rao

More than five decades ago, when I was about seven or eight years old, my aunt had taken me along with her to a friend's house.  A lady who was visiting the friend asked my aunt, "How many children do you have?"  My aunt immediately replied, "Two.  One boy and one girl."  I was really surprised.  My aunt had no children. Then why did she say that? 

Thankfully, I did not question her immediately.  After we left, with no sense of delicacy, I asked her, "Why did you tell that lady that you  have children?" 

She didn't seem offended.  She laughed, and said, "If I tell them I have no children, they'll ask endless questions - 'Why not?  Didn't you have any at all?  Or did they die?'  So, if I answer them this way, they'll not ask me anything further."  

If I think about that now, I understand how pained she must have been by the questions people ask her.

Many of us are very curious about the private matters of other people.  As less as two months after a woman is married, people observe her minutely whenever they meet her.  If she has put on weight, if she has lost weight, if she shows interest or disinterest in any food,  if her stomach looks slightly big for any reason, people assume that she is pregnant, and without any hesitation, they ask questions like, "So, any news?"  This is truly a discomfiting situation. 

It is one thing if family members or elders, or close friends inquire about you with concern, and give you advice.  But is it appropriate for mere acquaintances to ask unnecessarily curious questions?

Erica Berman, a fertility advisor based in Toronto, has researched women affected by questions like these.   She has listed out why one shouldn't ask married women such questions, and what kind of suggestions and advice one shouldn't give them. 

Why you shouldn't ask questions:

·         If you see any changes in a woman's body, be it weight loss or weight gain, the reason for it might not be pregnancy.  Fertility treatment makes women put on weight. If a person has worries or problems, she might lose weight.  So just because we think a woman is pregnant, we cannot ask her so. It might make her uncomfortable.

·         In case she is pregnant, it might be very early, and she might not want to reveal it to you right away.
·         She herself might not know for sure whether she is pregnant.
·         There are chances of miscarriage in the first trimester.  So the woman might want to wait until her pregnancy reaches a safe phase, and then reveal it to others. 
·         She might have undergone a miscarriage and might be recovering from it.
·         She might be on fertility treatment, and might be waiting to see its results.
·         She might be trying to get pregnant, but might still be unsuccessful.
·         Doctors might have told her that she cannot get pregnant.  Or she might have just postponed having babies.
·         She might have decided not to have babies at all.
If a woman is going through worry, anxiety or grief, don't such questions add salt to her injury?

What advice one must not give women:

·         "Don't you still have children?  Don't worry.  You will."  or "How long are you going to wait?  Have one at least quickly!"  - These kind of statements are totally unnecessary.
·         If you find out a woman has had a miscarriage - "Oh no, so sad.  Don't worry, you can get pregnant again." (Who knows what problems they have?  Doctors are there for them, to provide guidance and advice.)
·         Don't advise a woman who has become pregnant after a miscarriage  like- "Don't drink coffee/tea, don't  worry, don't exercise, eat well." There might not have been any relation between this and the miscarriage.
·         If a woman has one child, don't ask her when she is going to have the next one, or advice her to have another quickly.  There are many times when it might not be possible to have a second child.  Even if they have no problem, they might have decided after a lot of thought that they don't want another child.   It is good to understand that there might be a reason for them having taken such a decision.

Whatever it is, these are private matters.  So if you are asking questions, keep a control on what you ask about.  If there really is some "good news"  why would anybody not share it with others and keep it to themselves? So give them an opportunity to reveal the happy news to you themselves. 

Erica Berman, who experienced this discomfort herself, says, "More than anything else, these are private matters. Don't poke your nose into anybody's life!  It is none of your business!" 

Isn't she right?